Welcome to part 4 of the Six Core Needs – or why we do what we do. How did you enjoy learning about significance? Did you see the paradox of certainty vs variety? Well, you are in for another paradox – that between significance and connection. Connection is primarily about love. We can’t all have love in everything we do, so in the absence of love, we settle for connection, because connection is safer than love. The need for connection is our need to connect with others. People driven by connection are easy to recognise. They are the person in the office who will always notice your new outfit, hairdo, manicure etc.  They will most likely ask you about your weekend first and listen intently to your exciting news about getting a personal best in a marathon or your dog winning Best in Show.

People driven by connection are givers of significance. They will often give genuine compliments to others – always noticing the great in them.  This is where significance and connection are very, well… connected. Because the way that we meet our need for significance will determine the connections in our lives. So, if we are doing things to feed our egos, to make ourselves feel better at others’ expense, our need for connection in a high quality way will be starved. And our relationships will suffer. No one wants to hang around someone who constantly acts superior.

Meeting your need for connection – People vs. Drama

When you are meeting your need for connection in a resourceful way, you are doing it through love and people in a way that makes you, and others, feel good about themselves. It could be through connecting with nature, sharing, supporting others, perhaps spiritually, or connecting with the truth. Your truth.

Unresourceful ways people might meet their need for connection include being needy and being in unhealthy relationships, through problems or drama. Behaviour that is not sustainable over time or good for them or the greater good. Too much connection in this way will mean your significance will suffer. In fact, getting significance is the best “antidote” to too much unresourceful connection.

Connection – when it works

When you are meeting your need for connection in a resourceful way, you are creating an amazing, long lasting bond. Where you feel equally connected and loved. Now, this can be a person, or it could be a hobby or your job. Great employers feed their employees’ need for connection by forging a bond of love and trust, so the employee does not want to leave. You often hear of a “psychological contract” that gets formed between an employee and a boss. This is connection in action, and costs nothing financially but is worth a fortune. And can be devastating if breached.

For me, connection is so important. One of the key magnifiers of our lives is relationships. And relationships are the magnifiers of all emotions. I believe that the more high quality relationships you have where your need for connection is fulfilled through love, people and truth, the more high quality your life will be.

Think of the relationships you have right now. Are they filled with drama, problems or neediness? Do they feel “unequal”? If so, you are meeting your need for connection unresourcefully, and something needs to change. Are your relationships filled with love, trust and truth? If so, you are meeting your need for connection in a resourceful way, and are magnifying some amazing emotions. Wonderful.

This concludes the Four needs of the Ego. We’ll be covering the Spirit next. Take a second to reflect on which two might be your primary drivers. What do you think they are? How are they being met? Feel free to share using your favourite button!

For the last week, I have been in the process of completing my Diploma of Coaching assessments. These assessments also include Certificate IV in Business, and if you look at the list of things to do it looks giant and overwhelming! Now, I had until May next year to complete them, but things have changed, and I now have until January next year. Oh dear. The first thing I did was panic – I have so much to do and so little time. This is going to RUIN Christmas! I called my friend who talked me down and suggested I have a review of how much I had completed so far of the assessments. I then found a wonderful article online that reminded me how important it was to be grateful for what I have right now. I took some deep breaths, opened up my “Assessments to be Submitted” folder, and reviewed my progress… I had completed LOTS of the assessments! In fact, I had started them so long ago, I had trouble remembering the work I had done on them. Things were much better than I thought they were.

Stop, take stock

It’s great to be focused on the future and our goals. Looking back to a past that is holding us back is not helpful. However, there are times when looking back is a GREAT IDEA! Like last week. I could have chosen to focus on everything I had to do, which is quite a lot. By taking stock of where I was by reviewing progress, I was able to get an accurate assessment of my position. Just to be clear, I still have quite a bit to do. However, by reviewing exactly how much I had completed gave me an opportunity to acknowledge the work I had done so far.

In fact, it was great to read my Certificate IV in Business where I listed my business goals – some of which I have already achieved! Pats on the back all around, I say.

Celebrate!

Before you move onto the next thing, take time to celebrate. It might be as small as acknowledging yourself with a smile. Or a party with 50 of your closest friends. It doesn’t matter HOW you celebrate. The important thing is that you do. Because, by acknowledging yourself, your unconscious mind gets a clear message that achieving things and/or finishing things, is a good thing. And you will find that you do it more and more. Failure to do this sends a message that finishing things is not that important. Remember, your unconscious mind loves to serve you. Make sure you’re giving it all the right cues!

Well, it’s back to my assignments for now. I trust this has provided some food for thought on what you could celebrate. Right now. Go on, you deserve it!

Feel free to share your celebration using your favourite button below!

Welcome to Part 3 of Why we Do what we Do. Today, we are going to talk about Significance. I trust you have got value learning about Safety/Certainty and Variety/Uncertainty. Can you see how they are a type of paradox? In a way, they kind of complement each other as there can’t be one without the other. And, of course, we have the need for both (actually ALL the 6 Core Needs). We also touched briefly on how these needs can be met resourcefully or unresourcefully.

Validation Please…

I was once having lunch with a loved one who will remain nameless. I was right in the middle of telling them how much it meant to me to be a coach, with the skills to make a real difference in my clients’ lives, and how great it was to be doing something that I loved that was also helping others. My business was taking off, I was getting more clients and I was so excited but also scared – could I live up to expectations? This person stared blankly at me, and started telling a story about someone I didn’t know that had nothing to do with what I had just said. It’ was like I never spoke. I was gutted. I felt so ignored.

Significance is how important or recognised we feel. It could be a feeling of being validated. Like Certainty and Variety, we all have this need to some degree, it just might not be one of your top drivers. For example, if you are sharing a story of achievement with a friend or family member like me, or perhaps: “I just ran a marathon in my best time”… “I’m really excited my cat won Best in Show” etc…) and you get NO acknowledgement, this can be horrible. We all need to feel acknowledged or recognised.

Resourceful vs Unresourceful

Significance comes in two parts: you can either be a GIVER of significance or a GETTER. Givers meet their need for significance in resourceful ways: achieving goals, volunteering, stepping up and speaking up. They may choose to be a leader – of themselves or others. Getters will make themselves feel better by putting others down, gossiping, rebelling. They seek significance for the sake of being significant. There’s a lot of ego going on..

This need is probably the most challenging for most as no one really wants to admit they are driven by significance. However, if you are, and it drives you to get the results you are after, it’s OKAY. Knowing it’s one of your drivers and seeking ways of meeting  this need in resoureful ways can be very powerful. Having the self awareness to stop and ask yourself: “Am I meeting my need for significance in the best way I can? Is there a better way? A more resoureful way that will move me toward my goals?”

Significance in Action

It is simply wonderful when someone validates you by either telling you you’re doing a good job or complimenting you on your clothes, car or cat. However, sometimes that sort of external validation can be in short supply. The cool thing is that you can still fill your need for significance by internally validating yourself. Recognising in yourself that you are doing a great job, or have great clothes means that you don’t have to seek external sources of validation or recognition. Step up and be a leader of  yourself, confident in the knowledge you are awesome. And, while you’re at it, make an effort to give someone else some recognition (maybe they are craving significance more than you realise…). Make their day. Fulfill their need of significance. Whether they need it or not. Because in a way, when you do that, you’re fulfilling yours. Win win!

What can you do today that will fulfill your need for significance? Does it have to come from someone else? How can you make someone else feel recognised? Go on, and do that now!

In Part 1, we explored Certainty, and how it could be one of your primary drivers. If you haven’t had a chance to read it, you can find it here. I also highly recommend Tony Robbins’ TED Talk, where he touches on the “invisible forces” that drive us, that he has called the 6 Core Needs. Over the course of six posts, I am going to explore these needs, share some examples, and help you identify what could be your primary drivers. I trust you will get some great value from this information. Or it may simply raise more questions. And that’s okay too.

To refresh your memory, the six core needs are:

• Certainty/safety
• Variety/uncertainty
• Significance
• Love/Connection
• Growth
• Contribution

So, you now know a bit about the driver of Certainty. Let’s explore its opposite force: Variety. We actually need BOTH of these drivers in our lives, it’s just that each of us is unique in what we prefer and how we go about getting it. While people driven by certainty crave routine and sameness, people driven by variety crave new experiences and not only survive but thrive in a changing world.

Me and my Variety…

Time to be honest. Variety is my BIGGEST driver. When I first learned about the Six Core Needs, I was certain that it was Certainty (ha ha…). Absolutely. Certain. I like routine, I like to plan. I like the idea of purchasing my movie tickets before getting to the movies.

However…

I am always questioning that routine and welcoming distractions and diversions. A cancelled meeting. A last minute meeting. A spontaneous drink. Love them all! But it can get out of control. If your primary driver is variety and it is not being met in a resourceful way, your life could get a bit chaotic.

If you are meeting your need for Variety in a RESOURCEFUL way, it’s all good. For example, varying your exercise routine. A personal trainer will pick up really quickly that you need variety and ensure you get it. You may choose to travel to and from work via different routes or means.

How to tell if it’s not working

Do you lose things on a regular basis? If so, this may mean you have a strong need for Variety and it’s not being met. Think about the level of variety in your life. Are you mixing things up a bit? Ensure you are seeking variety in ways that serve you and move you towards your goals, not away. I always know I need to look at the variety in my life when I lose items – especially important ones. It means I have too much routine and certainty. Time to mix it up!

So, what drives you more? Routine or mixing things up? What changes could you make that could ensure you are well on the way to meeting your goals and being true to yourself?

Has anyone ever wondered why, as children, time went SOOOO slowly?! The school holidays seemed to take forever to arrive, the Christmas countdown was interminably long, and don’t even talk to me about how long Easter Saturday took. What is the point in being on holidays and not being able to eat your chocolate eggs until the Sunday? I seemed to languish in primary school until at LAST I could start high school. Then it took an eternity to reach the coveted position of a Grade 12. Time was a commodity, that handed out tiny bits of value, and we couldn’t wait for the next thing!

And now, as an adult, time goes more quickly than I can think. The months pass by in a flash, and before I know it, I’m doing Christmas shopping. When was Easter? Is it summer already? I’m pretty sure my summer clothes are still out from last summer – I don’t think I had time to put them away (well, living in Australia, we do have an advantage with this…). I have always wondered, but never understood it. I practice meditation which helps a lot, and recently, I have been reading about mindfulness in Jon Kabat-Zinn‘s book called “Coming to our Senses”. It is full of wisdom about how to be more mindful, and this morning I came across a fantastic piece on time, and it answered all my questions. Kabat-Zinn explains that according to Ray Kurzweil, our internal, subjective sense of time passing is calibrated by the interval between what we feel are our “milestones” or noteworthy events, and the “degree of chaos” in the system.

Time and Chaos

It is called the  Law of Time and Chaos: When order decreases, and chaos (the quantity of disordered events relative to the process) increases in a system, time slows down. When order increases and chaos decreases in a system, time speeds up. As children, we have lots of milestone events happening (everything is new too!), and as we get older the spaced intervals (time) between noteworthy developmental milestones seems to stretch out more and more, and according to Kabat-Zinn, “the present moment often seems empty and unfulfilling, always the same”. So time feels like it is going faster as our reference frame is growing longer.

So, if you want to slow down time (and don’t we all? Don’t leave me on my own with this…), you can choose to fill up your life full of “milestone” experiences such as big holidays, fancy gadgets, extreme sports etc. This sounds stressful and can be addictive. But wait…

There is a better way…

Kabat-Zinn explains that another way to slow down time is to “make more of your ordinary moments notable and noteworthy by taking note of them”. This also reduces the chaos in your mind and ensures you are really present with each moment as it unfolds. The richer each moment, and the shorter the intervals between them, the slower the passage of time from your point of view. Every moment passes, and if we can choose to linger in that moment, really take it in, we can be fully present and appreciative of the fullness of time.

I think it is almost easier to choose the first way – fill your life full of dinners out, parties, holidays and adventures. And I agree, having lots of things to look forward to is great. But is it sustainable? Being more mindful is definitely the more sustainable and simple solution. However, it is not easy. Even the act of sitting still can be challenging for many. How can we possibly embrace every moment?

The answer is Practice. Practice every day, every moment you think of it, be mindful to that moment. It might a walk outside in the sunshine. It might be an insect walking across a leaf. It might be a clock’s second hand ticking. It could be as simple as choosing to eat your lunch without doing a million other things at the same time. Simple. But not easy…

What can you notice today that you can experience fully that will help slow down time?

When you know your Purpose – the reason why you are here, you are unstoppable, full of energy and life, and every day is one to look forward to an embrace. Every challenge is simply a bump in the road that you have all the resources to overcome. Everything falls into place easily and effortlessly. It’s amazing. And possible. The coaching method to discover Passion and Purpose I use is called Archetypal Coaching. This method comes from the inspiring work of Pip McKay, a pioneer in this topic and one of my mentors. Over a period of twenty years, Pip has discovered that we have eight main Archetypes related to our passion and purpose, that ultimately guide our soul’s quest. When we know what our main “driving” archetypes are, we can understand why we do what we do, and how we can use these Archetypes to set goals and get results.

The discovery of your passion and purpose Archetypes is a fun, introspective and revealing process. When you know your Archetypes, you are able to not only understand yourself better, but also understand others.

What is an Archetype?

An Archetype is not to be mistaken for a Stereotype – a Stereotype is a repeated, common pattern. When we talk about Archetypes, we are talking about an IDEAL. Something that is universal and symbolic. Innate. Archetypes come from ancient learnings dating back thousands of years. Through Pip’s extensive study and experience, she discovered eight main Passion and Purpose Archetypes. They are:

1. The Innocent Adventurer – fun, freedom, exploration
2. The Magician – focus, transformation, change
3. The High Priestess/Oracle – mystery, receive, secret
4. The Empress – nurturing, creative, understanding
5. The Emperor – order, logic, leader
6. The Lovers – belonging, romance, discernment
7. The Knight – challenge, honour, action
8. The Sage – learning, teaching, intuition, meditation

Which Archetypes do you think drive your Passion and Purpose?

How to discover your Passion and Purpose Archetypes

Think back to your childhood. What did you love to do? What did you want to be when you grew up? Connecting with childhood passions is the start of discovering your Passion and Purpose Archetypes. The coaching session usually lasts one and a half to two hours and in that time we explore your mind and connect back to what made you happy from a young age through to now. It is fun and insightful, and will allow you to set goals that are inline with who you are, as opposed to what others expect.

I know my Archetypes! What next?

Now you know your three (maybe four) primary Archetypes, reflect on how they are working for you. Do they have an order they kick in? For example, does your Innocent Adventurer go out into a world of endless possibilities and come up with lots of ideas? Then, perhaps your Sage studies and learns about these ideas. Then your Knight might head off onto a quest to achieve a goal based on these ideas. The options are endless, and it is important to check in. There is no “right” order, however there may be an ideal order that would work for you and your desired outcome. You may have an Archetype that is dominating and not allowing your other Archetypes to shine. For example, you may have a strong Emperor who is controlling and ordering everything and not allowing your Empress to create and nurture.

We live in a “left brain” world of organsiations, big business and logic. The really great thing about Archetypes is it encourages you to use your creativity, your imagination. And allows you to tap into resources you may not have known were there. And it’s fun!

For more information on Archetypes and how you can discover your passion and purpose, please contact me to set up your session.

One of my most favourite quotes is by Jim Rohn, who says:

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with”.

I love this quote because it emphasises the importance of our environment – what, and who, we choose to surround ourselves with. So, while we are in the process of ensuring we are the “swan” during difficult times, and practicing gratitude, through meditation and mindfulness, it is important to have a look at our surroundings. Environment, like beliefs, can make all the difference…

Who are the People in your Neighbourhood?

We are all doing the best we can with the resources that we have. We really are. And there are ways of getting more resources through learning new things. Before we look at these new things, look around. Who are you spending time with on a regular basis? What are they like? Are they happy and successful? Are they the sort of people you want to be? If you ended up with their results, would you be happy? If the answer is yes to these questions, great!

Now, this is not about a “friend audit”. It is about really looking at the people around you and asking how your relationships with them are serving you. We’ve all heard of (and possibly experienced) the “frenemy” – the person cleverly posing as a friend (and probably really believes that they are), but they manage to make you feel bad about yourself through casual, “friendly” comments.

Banish the “frenemies”! And while you are at it, scan your relationships. There are enough critics out there already. While it’s great to have a friend who “plays the devils advocate” at times, are they coming from a place of love and support? Or a place of cricitism? Because, if you look around, the average of those five people closest to you – work and friendships ARE you. Is this the person you want to be? If not, you need to change something. It may be a matter of simply reducing the time you spend with someone. It may be a matter of increasing the time you spend with someone else. It may be a matter of saying goodbye. What is best for you?

Your physical Environment

Now take a look at what is surrounding you. How organised are you? How organised do you need to be? I’m not talking about “de-cluttering”, however, that may be something you need to do if your environment is not serving you at this present moment. Einstein and many other clever minds claimed that being surrounded by chaos helped them with creativity. Is your physical environment helping you get the results you want? If so, don’t change a thing! If not, just like your relationships, look at what can be removed, reduced, replaced or acquired to ensure you have the optimum physical environment for you.

The Power in  your Hands

The really cool thing about making changes to your environment – whether it be the people around you or your physical environment – is that it is the EASIEST thing to change. Think about your beliefs and values. They are much more challenging to change quickly. But your environment can be changed in an instant. Put up a motivating poster, print some photographs of a recent holiday. Choose to have coffee with someone who is interesting and inspiring. The choice is yours. And, like all things, have a play – try some new things, reach out to some different people. What does it do for you?

Going on holiday is a classic environment change, and recently I have been working to incorporate the things I learned. What have you learned from changing your environment? Feel free to share using your favourite button!