Why we do what we do Part 4 of 6 – Connection

Connection White Cat CoachingWelcome to part 4 of the Six Core Needs – or why we do what we do. How did you enjoy learning about significance? Did you see the paradox of certainty vs variety? Well, you are in for another paradox – that between significance and connection. Connection is primarily about love. We can’t all have love in everything we do, so in the absence of love, we settle for connection, because connection is safer than love. The need for connection is our need to connect with others. People driven by connection are easy to recognise. They are the person in the office who will always notice your new outfit, hairdo, manicure etc. ¬†They will most likely ask you about your weekend first and listen intently to your exciting news about getting a personal best in a marathon or your dog winning Best in Show.

People driven by connection are givers of significance. They will often give genuine compliments to others – always noticing the great in them. ¬†This is where significance and connection are very, well… connected. Because the way that we meet our need for significance will determine the connections in our lives. So, if we are doing things to feed our egos, to make ourselves feel better at others’ expense, our need for connection in a high quality way will be starved. And our relationships will suffer. No one wants to hang around someone who constantly acts superior.

Meeting your need for connection – People vs. Drama

When you are meeting your need for connection in a resourceful way, you are doing it through love and people in a way that makes you, and others, feel good about themselves. It could be through connecting with nature, sharing, supporting others, perhaps spiritually, or connecting with the truth. Your truth.

Unresourceful ways people might meet their need for connection include being needy and being in unhealthy relationships, through problems or drama. Behaviour that is not sustainable over time or good for them or the greater good. Too much connection in this way will mean your significance will suffer. In fact, getting significance is the best “antidote” to too much unresourceful connection.

Connection – when it works

When you are meeting your need for connection in a resourceful way, you are creating an amazing, long lasting bond. Where you feel equally connected and loved. Now, this can be a person, or it could be a hobby or your job. Great employers feed their employees’ need for connection by forging a bond of love and trust, so the employee does not want to leave. You often hear of a “psychological contract” that gets formed between an employee and a boss. This is connection in action, and costs nothing financially but is worth a fortune. And can be devastating if breached.

For me, connection is so important. One of the key magnifiers of our lives is relationships. And relationships are the magnifiers of all emotions. I believe that the more high quality relationships you have where your need for connection is fulfilled through love, people and truth, the more high quality your life will be.

Think of the relationships you have right now. Are they filled with drama, problems or neediness? Do they feel “unequal”? If so, you are meeting your need for connection unresourcefully, and something needs to change. Are your relationships filled with love, trust and truth? If so, you are meeting your need for connection in a resourceful way, and are magnifying some amazing emotions. Wonderful.

This concludes the Four needs of the Ego. We’ll be covering the Spirit next. Take a second to reflect on which two might be your primary drivers. What do you think they are? How are they being met? Feel free to share using your favourite button!